S'mores Tart

Scrolling through my Instagram feed in 2019, I came across a post by Maryann, @thefilipinomom. The post was intended to help combat negative thoughts and improve mental health. She simply asked, “what are you thankful for today?”. My cognitive response though, warranted a whole blog post.

Perhaps it was the picture she posted that pulled me in. A beach photo, with the silhouette of a bicycle in front, and the edge of a pier in the background. A beautiful setting to elicit a sense of thankfulness. The photo as a whole caught my eye. It reminded me of a place I used to live near, one in which I had nearly forgotten. It so quickly took me back to all the places I’ve been and reminded me of all the things I have seen and experienced.

Right now, I am a work-from-home mom of two, a transplanted military wife, and a business owner. At the time I saw this post in 2019, I began feeling inspired for this post; I was a stay-at-home mom of one, and an unemployed not-so-recent culinary school graduate. In both seasons, it has been easy for me to get this feeling of being ‘stuck’. While I chose this role in my life for this very time, I yearn for more; more time, or resources to be able to “do it all”. This feeling comes on stronger during everyday stressful moments, and the yearning occasionally translates to ungratefulness, and to the phrase “not enough”, which in turn starts sounding like “I’m not enough”. I so quickly begin to feel like I cannot do the million things I want to do. That I can’t in fact do it all, and that I will never have the time, the will, the strength, or the know-how to achieve everything I dream of.

But that picture… it takes me back to when I was living in Orange County. I was a post-university graduate, for a couple of years at that point, living in the beautiful county of my alumni. Orange County had the highest percentage of doctors calling the borders home and I was living a life that looked great on paper. I was working my way up to nicer and nicer rental apartments, working an altruistic and mentally rewarding job as a behavior therapist to mainly autistic children, striving for a steady healthcare career, and dating a mature entrepreneur who, seemingly, pushed me to be better and strive for more. Sounds great right? Maybe, but only on the surface. On the inside, there was a discontentment that I was not aware of yet.. I believed that was the life I needed to have, and that those were the steps I had to take to be successful and happy. I believed this was how I’d make my parents proud, to be worthy, to earn a nice home and not have to worry about what was ahead. I look back now, reminded that underneath my positive attitude, I had underlain anxiety and the false idea that I had to “keep up”. Over a decade has passed since that time in my life, and so many things have happened in the last several years. Yeah, that is a long time, but I never would have foreseen how much I crammed into those years!

Today, I am thankful. I am a proud owner of a property whose value continues to rise. I live in a home with my husband and sons, with an in-home food business. Though I no longer work with children directly, that experience gave me unbelievable confidence when I became a mother. From that job, I took skills that have been invaluable to the development of my sons, including one with special needs. I have a deep appreciation for all teachers, caregivers, and parents, that I believe only therapists can experience when being in other homes and classrooms. I am now on the path of a career that makes me undeniably happy, not from the paycheck it gives, but from the core guttural feelings of contentment and fulfillment. I feel nothing but joy when creating something beautiful and delicious from eggs, flour, and sugar; to then having the gift of watching the bliss as someone bites into them (which many times includes myself), to being thanked for creating such a unique experience. I am also now married to an incredible, humble, hard-working man who knows me inside and out, who avoids “pushing” me, because he knows I simply don’t need it. A man, who is my happiness, and sees that my motivation comes from within; that I have my own inner drive, and he is content in joining in on my wild ride of a life. In times of self-doubt and low esteem, which sneak up more often than not, I have warned him that I am too emotional. In fear I have confided that I am too ‘up-and-down’ for a steady guy like himself. His response has always been that “I am his exciting roller coaster” and he wouldn’t have it any other way. I mean, could he get any better? I love this man.

Since that time ten years ago, I have traveled to Australia, Bali, Korea, Hong Kong, and lived in Las Vegas, Japan, and now San Diego. I have worked in kitchens big and small. I went to school for a career that has low investment return, but with good financial planning, I was debt free within a year! Now I am working every day at home as my own boss. I went from thinking that the ultimate goal was to be financially sound, being able to dine at beachfront restaurants every week, live in a huge house, and rub noses with successful people; to a path in which I am looking forward to working my ass off just to bake for strangers. Instead of doing my own thing in an office building or hospital, I am constantly manning social media to interact with people from all walks of life who share in my love for sweets! Rather than looking for career security, I’m diving headfirst into unfamiliar territories. This is the tumultuous path I’ve taken, and I’m grateful for it. I’ve always had this fire within, and now I am feeding it!

I sit in reflection as I read the notes I wrote in 2019 for this blog post. My feelings years ago ring true to this day. On that day in 2019, I was inspired to literally bake up the “flame” that is inside of me. While fire can be viewed as all-consuming and destructive, I see it as an origin, a heart, and something deep within that warms the soul. Images of a pleasant, comforting campfire came to mind, and with it, my favorite summer night's food… s’mores! With no further ado, here's my Campfire S’more Tart! I hope this fiery tart inspires you to reflect on how far you’ve come, and to remind yourself that there is so much to be thankful for.

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